Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
