I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
