dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
