That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
