there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
