We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
