I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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