Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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