I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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