he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
