Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
