Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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