There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
