obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
