You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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