brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
