Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
