I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
