Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
