I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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