If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
