If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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