I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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