My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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