She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
