As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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