ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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