I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
