I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
