I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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