totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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