he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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