Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
