wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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