found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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