We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
whose parrot is this?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
