K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize