I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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