He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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