just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
