Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
