They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
