I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is Oprah even human
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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