I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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