So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
