My friends, they love my intelligence
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think I just sharted jello shots
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
