Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
