he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
