If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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