I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize