You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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