I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
