i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
FUCK WHALES
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