I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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