When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize