worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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