I think i sorta joined a cult last night
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
please come you make the beer taste better
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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