There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
