Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
