i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
