her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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