im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there's paper in my vomit.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
