I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
