My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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