i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
