I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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