i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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