why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
