my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
