next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
